COVID Diaries Week 46: Habits/Fear.

If I can get going on something, I make it happen. It is the start that holds me back. In early pandemic I started running with a clear goal – run a 5k in under 30 minutes. Methodically I increased speed and duration, until I was doubling up distance and increasing speed by 20% over the original goal. Boom.

I achieved the goals and then gave up. Then, I got a job and was stuck at a desk in the house all day. I had to recommence the journey, this time a different one. Run twice a week, on the two times I had to drop and pick up Zoe at her football training / matches. It is not an independent habit. When a game gets cancelled, I don’t run. I don’t have the independent habit. It is contingent.

Conversely, perversely, if I don’t begin the habit forming process, I have fear.

I should check my finances, let’s say monthly. I need to make regular decisions, tweak our family set-up, review and revamp. It is a rhythm. And I don’t have it, and I am scared to do the work. There is a barrier to getting on top of it. I don’t know why – here I can take control, there I cannot.

I have a small side-of-the-desk project with a contact. He wanted me to detail my practice, something I know inside and out. Easy. Yet, I cannot start the process; and now I have a barrier. I avoid his calls asking when I am going to do it.

At work, we are discussing planning rhythms and habits. It is bringing up my own anxiety. This invisible barrier. There is work to do.

This Much We Know.

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